INDIANAPOLIS — A local racing memorabilia collector suffered a catastrophic emotional collapse Tuesday afternoon after discovering his prized jacket collection had been shifted approximately three inches to the left on their hangers, sources confirm.
The alleged adult, described by witnesses as a patch-plastered cry-baby in a brown varsity jacket, reportedly entered his wood-paneled shrine around 2:47 p.m. when he noticed the devastating misalignment. What followed, according to multiple sources, was a meltdown of such magnitude that it shook the very foundation of adult dignity.
The bearded boo-hooer immediately began ugly-crying, witnesses say, with tears streaming down his face and soaking into his beard as he wailed at a volume typically reserved for air raid sirens. The sobbing quickly escalated to full-throated screaming as the varsity-wrapped man-baby stomped toward his sacred jacket wall.
"He just lost it completely," said Marcus Chen, 34, a facility maintenance worker who witnessed the incident. "He grabbed the blue racing jacket and started shaking it violently, screaming these wordless, primal shrieks. Then he ripped it off the hanger and threw it across the room like a toddler throwing a stuffed animal."
The tantrum intensified as the tie-wearing wah-wah machine began systematically destroying his environment. Security footage shows the subject grabbing jacket after jacket, hurling them to the floor while sobbing uncontrollably. When the jackets were depleted, he turned his rage on the metal bench, pounding it with both fists until the sound echoed through the hallway.
"He was screaming so loud I thought someone was being murdered," recalled Jennifer Walters, 41, a neighboring office worker. "Then he started stomping on the jackets he'd thrown down. His face was completely red, snot running everywhere. I've seen two-year-olds handle disappointment better."
The patch-covered catastrophe then grabbed his perfectly knotted tie and yanked it loose while continuing to wail, getting directly in the face of a security guard who arrived to investigate the commotion. Sources say he jabbed his finger inches from the guard's nose, shrieking incoherently about "perfect spacing" and "symmetry" before collapsing onto the bench in a heap of sobs.
The meltdown reportedly lasted 23 minutes before the sunglasses-sporting sook finally exhausted himself. Witnesses say he remained curled up on the bench, whimpering softly, surrounded by the wreckage of his precious collection.
At press time, the alleged adult was attempting to rehang his jackets through tear-blurred vision, pausing every few seconds to release fresh wails of anguish.